I cant get why you say you love me. when you love her. I told you... I TOLD YOU to just be with her... Sorry but you can't have your cake and eat it too... =/ I wanna be your friend. but you need to back up for a while... stay away from me, get over me... let me get over you. I'm thankful for the time that I did get to spend with you but like I said, we both knew it wouldnt last forever. I mean obviously I loved you alot to be hurting this much. and you know at that time in my life even if it did hurt thats exactly what I wanted to be doing. I loved when you held me, even though you wanted to be holding her... I loved that you told me I was beautiful, even though you were thinking about her. and im glad that I got to talk to you and I liked how you made me laugh. It was fun. but its over. Please dont touch me, please dont kiss me... please dont try and hold my hand, dont tickle me. Just... stay away. Friends dont do that. we wont do that. I wont stop talking to you, but right now i need this because i MIGHT stop talking to you if you wont let me get over you and you bring her over.... I wanna be done with this before i even consider that. I DONT wanna hang out with your friends. we're not together and we never were. Its alright... everything happens for a reason.. So its alright. I'll find the man of my dreams and you'll finally get you're dream girl. Maybe one day we can actually be friends and be alright with each other but right now,,,,, i honestly DONT know if that could happen. =/ Its my fault... I knew it. but i allowed it to happen. oh welll i guess

You know... there are so many beautiful girls in the world. but I am not one of them. I mean I'm beautiful to God and i AM A BEAUTIFUL creation but in the eyes of others i am not. I just wish i didnt go out so often or enjoy being called so. le sigh. it just makes me feel rediculous. I did it to myself dfhdsalfkahdgfjhadgjfkasflSKHjhdkfldkahgdlfkahglk i am frustrated. just go away please. >_<

Im mad... ANYWAYS.. He does crawl into be with ME everynight, and tell me how  beautiful I AM ... he rarely leaves MY house. he wants me <3 so bad. ha so eat it. *written out of anger that isnt justified* ;)

So. I'm very confused. Saturday was so amazing.. like I had tears in my eyes because I felt a way that I hadnt felt for someone in .. ever I think..  its nuts though even though it kinda felt like he was only excited because he got to hold someone (anyone would've been fine) I let it go when I thought about it and just enjoyed spending that time with him. It was so great... but if ... we ever end up like TOGETHER it wont be an open relationship.. i mean right now i dont know what i want.. and I refuse to hurt him like that because i see he's been hurt badly in the past... I said i'll be here and i will. all the time. He's silly and i MUST care about him because already i am becoming defensive. I dont want anyone to be mean to him or give him the cold shoulder, he's really just a nice person trying to be nice to everyone else. Its pretty bananas lol. how much I care about him, I just dont know >_< just dont know. We'll have to see how it goes, but for now we're just buddies.

Im almost completely registered for schoool! Kim is my admissions person lol. She told me that i'll probably be the only girl in my class XD Im cool with that as long as i dont get bothered >_< Im so scared lol. but im SO TOTALLY EXCITED. We're adults, no need to act like children ... hm... this is true lol. Well anyways i am SO FREAKING CONFUSED. had a weird day =/ it made me think i. i just wannna hide in a hole for a little while lol. its alright, everything will be alright. These things happen for a reason ^_^; i just dont know what it is yet. so my mom is really driving me crazy... She ran out of cigarettes yesterday and it was my fault, >_< I know she cant help it but it PISSES ME OFF. like when i walked in the door last night the first thing she called me was a whore, I blew up. I yelled and i felt bad but im still pretty frustrated. She cant help it, and it sucks because im having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. And I dont wanna say something im gonna regret. i kinda figured i could give up my life because she has no one, but this is honestly killing me i think. I'm never truly gonna leave her but i need to be on my own, like i'll always come back and make sure shes okay and take her to dinner or go see a movie. i just cant live here forever >_<.

Its none of my business, it never will be. But i will always love him, and it doesnt hurt me to think that i cant be with him, it hurts me to think about him alone all the time. I dont care if im happy.. I care that he's happy. The feelings i have are not just holdin on to my body they've penitrated my soul and they will be with me forever. So all i want for him is happiness always. I don't want him to be alone, i.... wish something could happen to change how he feels, something amazing. and NO im NOT talking about me doing something amazing like hes gonna fall in love with me and whatever whatever, not even almost... I just dont want him to feel like hes alone. Theres this deep longing inside of me for him to be surrounded all the time. All i honestly wanna do is be there for him. Like HE is the reason i leave my laptop on all day every day because if by chance he decides he'd like to talk or anything i feel honored to even have his conversation and his thought. I wonder if he'd hang out with me? like i think i want to ask him to lunch? o.o not to 'woo' him or nothin like that. Just to sit in his company... like a weirdo. bask in his goodness XD i dunno i just been thinking that I LOVE HIM and that he is important to me, unimaginably important and I will be waiting her forever even if he doesnt want anything to do wth me.. I'll still be here in case he wants someone to talk to or if he needs anything at all really. I just.. I want him to be okay. like TRULY okay.

I'm ready to get my life going i go on Friday to sign up for school, i gotta take morning classes because it'd be easier for my grandma to pick me up and such,... btw IM SO FREAKING BLESSED TO HAVE HER..., lol shes amazing she's helped me so much. I'm a piece of garbage. but im working on this. >_< not well i suppose but kind of. annnyways i honestly want to go into the mountains for a month with just the shirt on my back... because i want to feel the life and the love between the things im missing because of how advanced we are. like i think we forget about life outside of our lives. Its quite interesting i think. I dunno i just been doing ALOOT of thinking and life wont wait for me, it hasnt been waiting for me. like ALL this time i've been sitting in my house scared to death about dying.. is gone forever.. and THATS what i did... I worried and i didnt leave... I wasted alot of time thinking about things that scare me instead of just taking care of the problem.. since i probably WONT do that im going to get out there and live, im holding onto this day like its the last, enjoying everything possible and everything i do and im doing more. I'm being honest, im loving deeper and more truly, and im LETTING it affect me, i dont care if i get sad sometimes or whatever because the way he makes me feel is so breath taking it brings tears to my eyes. So if i have to miss him often, its worth every second every tear. He's worth everything. he always was and always will be. When i think about love, when i see love, when i hear love... this is never how i imagined it... I always thought of butterflies... everyone told me that, for me its like flying, like my soul is free. Like everything will be okay and has always been okay. Like i said... its amazing. and he must be too for me to feel so damn much about him. I'm grateful to him every waking moment. and often times with him, in my dreams. Lol wow. I keep going on about this. but its rare for me to actually find the words and sometimes i get so frustrated that i forget it because  i dont really know how or what to say...but i think i tackled it.. for the most part. and sometimes i think i get frustrated because im so fucked, that i dont even like me so how could anyone else, especially him? and im not pretty im not ugly but im not pretty and it makes me angry to the point that i'd just rather disappear. but, oh well, this is who i am and God made me... He doesnt make mistakes. I am very fortunate... and very happy. Thank you God. ^_^ and also thank you. ... so much.

i dont understand this feeling. >_< Im confused idk =/ i feel rediculous, and stupid but amazing... its weird im weird. blah. i miss you all the time, but i try not to. i hate it, im so dumb....! i am so dumb. i dont know what to do. i. miss. you >_< but i shouldnt because im fucking stupid. and annoying. were. man im so mad >_< forget it im an idiot

Thank you God, my sister and Caleb are alright (: I was very VERY worried when they took her to the ultrasound room and she stayed there for like 45 minutes. But they were just watching him play apparently lol. hes growing and healthy, very big boy ^_^ shes 4 months along and he'll probably arrive in july sometime, which is AWESOME because me and her are 4 years and only a week apart. how tight? I bet they're gonna have the relationship that she and I share. I really hope they do. I'm so very fortunate to have her as my sister and my best friend. she is the most important person in my life. I love her so much. agh I just keep thanking God, because he protected her and Caleb. ^_^ We are so very fortunate. Thank you God!! I am so sleepy, but im totally glad that she can talk to me and trust me with these things. shes so strong, im so proud of her for taking care of herself and such. I hope to find her strength in any time of need. Oh, im so lucky to have her as a sister.. God knew I couldnt live without her. ^________________^

So, I'm redownloading the halo 2 map packs cause adam said thats what i need to do in order for it to stop hating on me XD im glad we all got to chat because I've always been very glad to be his friend and he is freaking hilarious when he plays halo XD haha. I really hope it works lol. If not oh well i think i found some other stuff that could help me with this people having problems and all. Damn my hands are like numb is too damn cold in here >_< wtf. Okay.
Well.
Amazing day, I'm so happy.... Thank you God :D

Its time to LISTEN to myself. I will always love you. But SOMEHOW I do something wrong or weird everytime we speak to make that known, especially when it shouldnt be. I dont care if you love me back, I just fucking miss you. and i want you in my life as a friend, anything. I know though, that this that i am hallucenating.. is only a thing of the past. and that fills me with sadness and anger. I will let go eventually I suppose but I could never forget you. anyways.

I've quit smoking, drinking everything. I dont care how cliche it sounds im gonna start getting high on life, literally. whats the point of being "wasted" for the rest of my years and thats all. Thats not the life for me, So im gonna go to school, hopefully enroll soon (like tomorrow or today) and buy some dirtbikes, go snowboarding, volunteer, jump out of planes, help people and take chances like i never thought i could. I wanna love so deeply that it hurts. I want to live close to the mountains, I want to start now. I've realized the ONLY way im ever gonna be okay like, even if i do die, is if i ask God for his help. even if I feel bad for doing so, I can return/show my love to him in many ways, and I ask him to make me better and I told him that I NEED him. and I do. I always willl, nothing can EVER make me feel as safe and happy as God... I'm grateful Beth came over and had that talk with me because its the truth. I'm excited. and happy. here we go

So I kinda coughed up blood this morning XD I got like 2 hours of sleep and I couldnt get back. It scared me, and made me mad. like WTF my fears have come true in the last two months. =/ bleeding, i hate blood, I dont want it to leave my body in any way. Because often that is the first sign of something serious =/ luckily it hasnt happened since this morning but it was enough to make me REALLY do something about 1. no more smoking. I dont want to fuck my lungs up, and Im sure it isnt good for heart health either. 2.see a doctor, if i have something wrong with me, its gonna be there even if i dont go, so might as well get myself seen and hopefully get better. I've been trying to stay positive and actually like attempting. Like right now i feel alright, and i've been having nose bleeds and i think it might have drained from my nose into my throat because it happened right when i woke up. but I also want to go to the doctor because I need to talk to somebody. So bad. like my sister is always there for me and im so lucky to have her but. Im all fucked up and I wanna try and get over this. Sitting here right now makes me damn angry for not going to see a doctor a month or two ago. I am DETERMINED to get this done. and hearing my dad say to go actually made me feel better XD I'm sure he was more pissed off about it but, I know he cares thats all that matters. So the other night my mom told me that she gets scared every time I leave because she thinks im gonna die somehow. I told her she gotta calm down because im like her offspring and the way she feels often transfers to me. I also told her that you cant prevent life. You just gotta roll with it and do what you can while you ARE alive. Man. I had a horrible dream the last two nights. I love God, and I need to get back in touch with him...  I feel shitty when I dont do the right things or forget about him or I dont talk to him enough, thats got to end. My life will never be complete until I am a true child of God. And with his help i know i can do and over come anything!  I'll be alright, no matter what... because I DO have people in my life that love me and make me feel amazing, and best of all I have God and Jesus... They've given me so much, I am very blessed.